Balancing the Yearning for Casual Encounters While Pursuing a Committed Partnership

As a homosexual male approaching 50, my life has involved numerous, mostly enjoyable years engaging in spontaneous encounters with other men from my teenage years. During my fourth decade, I had a committed partnership that lasted a significant period, but I never felt completely content, in that I didn't experience love nor sexually nourished. Truthfully, I have always craved casual sex. Every time I begin to date any man, once the newness fades, an impulse arises to be intimate with other men once more.

Reflecting on the Feasibility of Exclusive Commitment

I am now wondering if I’ll ever be able to sustain a monogamous relationship. I understand that many gay men engage in non-monogamous arrangements, but when I’ve witnessed them, they appear demanding, frequently causing significant heartache and envy among all parties. In many ways, I want a partner to love me while letting me remain sexually free, but I dread to imagine the emotional drain this might create. Is it best to continue to have casual sex and acknowledge that a lasting partnership may be unattainable? I’m feeling somewhat confused.

Each individual's sexual journey varies. Avoid considering of your relationship needs or your ability to handle various forms of sexual unions in a finite way. Your needs in your current state may well change down the road; eventually you might become more decisive and discover some clarity and a comfortable path … or not. One day you might meet a person offering a transformative opportunity for you through mirroring your desires in a holistic fashion … and at another point you may choose that non-committal encounters are best for you. Fretting over what lies ahead and engaging in the “What if?” game is simply anxiety-based and squandering of your energy. Aim to stay present with your partners, and see the worth of every individual you connect with intimately a sexual connection. When and if you are ever ready to strengthen genuine closeness with a single person, it will be clear.

• The psychotherapist is a American therapy professional focusing on treating sexual disorders.